VITAL CONNECTIONS
(estimated 8 minutes of reading)
 

WHY BE CLUELESS?

 Everyday presents learning situations to all of us, some positive and some negative.  I have a learning location that I believe is appointed and anointed by God.   Presently it is at my computer and in my counselor’s chair in my office located on the beautiful Gulf of Mexico in Perdido Key, Florida.

In the last nineteen years there have been a great number of unique people and baffling situations paraded before me.  I have sought God’s instruction and wisdom seriously, even desperately on occasions.  I have asked him to help me understand, to see the situation through His eyes and thus make sense of my observations.

From my position I have been able to recognize a vital connection between behavior and situations.  There are definite patterns of behavior that result in or lead to a painful negative outcome.  Before we lose it, let’s isolate that word pattern.  I want to point out to you that the pattern also has an important process.  That process may also be referred to as a formula.  Follow me on this: first, we have a though, that comes out of our life script. That is, the way we think the world is.  The scripts are developed from the messages we received in childhood about our value, how the world operates and our place in it. Because of the thought we experience an emotion. Both, thoughts and feelings dictate behavior. If we want to change a behavior we must focus on changing our thoughts.  Many of our patterns of behavior create situations we do not plan, or lead us to places we do not want to go.

  That is what I want to talk about in this visit with you.  There are many of these vital connections. However, I will focus on only three: (1) People are drawn to people and situations that make them feel good about themselves, and the opposite is also true: we are all repelled by people and situations that make us feel bad about ourselves.  (2) To a large extent we determine how others respond to us.  (3) All good relationships must recognize boundaries of mutual respect.  These three connections are also behavior principles that are recognized as laws, in that they operate in a predictable way.

 Many of my clients find themselves in the middle of a difficult situation and do not understand how they got there or what to do about it.  The confusion is usually due to a divergent perspective, a distracting situation or an overpowering emotion. In therapy we work together to identify and resolve these distractions and regain our center.  When we are centered, it does not take long to put all the fragmented, disjointed pieces together and move on to a productive life. Too often we discover that the client’s problem solving skills have not been adequate.  Without exception, clients ask me the same question: Why?  They cry, “I tried everything I know, why is it not working?” 

 Shelia asked me, “Why can’t he see that I do love him, I have tried all I know: now I am at my wits end. I don’t know how to please him.”  She caught Randy having an affair with her best friend. “I cannot get those words out of my head: help me, please.” She told me, “Now he wants something from me. He wants to know that I love him. How can I do any more when I do not feel loved by him?” Randy asked her to forgive him and encouraged her to put it behind her to “lets move on with our lives together.” She declares that she has forgiven him, yet every time they are together there is a yelling match.  It’s tearing them apart and the hurting continues.

Judy is a rebellious teen. Her parents feel like they have over-extended themselves.  “Nothing is doing any good.” They told me.  “We wish we could give up.” Then Judy responded: “all Mama does is fuss all the time.  She and Daddy both, they preach at me and tell me I’m going to hell all the time.  I ain’t listening no more. They’re just wasting their time. When I’m sixteen I’m out-ta here.”

 In both of these situations the three principles apply; as well as the pattern of thought, feelings, and behavior.  Shelia still has much anger toward Randy. The picking and the criticisms are only a smoke screen.  She wants him to bleed more before she fully takes him back. The negative, hurtful remarks only serve to alienate each other further.  How can we obtain a positive result in both of these situations?  It is important to make a commitment to be open and honest in every relationship.  Just tell the truth; it brings freedom and peace.  An honest response that also gives hope might be “I love you, or I’m trying to love you, but I’m having some trouble with my emotions.  Therefore, I need some time or space.”  Be sure to tell the person “you are important to me. I care about you and our relationship.”  If necessary, you might add, however, you cannot do this or that, I won’t let you.”

 In all of these replies you have set rational boundaries, yet conveyed value and love.  Although it us very difficult, we must control our emotions, so that we say and do only those positive things that enhance our relationships. Remember, the goal is to say whatever needs to be said and at the same time gain favor. We must strive to acquire these skills.  In so doing we can enjoy mutually loving relationships.

 Sharon P. Hill

back to top

The Un-stoned Woman
Sharon Patterson Hill

In the old Testament, Deut. 22:22 God gives the command that any man and woman caught in the act of adultery are to be brought before the Priest  and then be stoned to death.  We see this again 1,500 years later when a woman caught in the act of adultery is thrown at the feet of Jesus as a challenge. Jesus forgave her since she was repentant...but what if she hadn't been.  This is the story of a contemporary un-stoned woman and the price she paid.

Please note: All names are

This un-stoned woman is also an un-repentant woman. Let me tell you her story. Her name is Susan, She is in her eighties now and is in a nursing home.  It has been five years since the stroke that almost completely destroyed her ability to speak.  She has become very frail and fragile: having lost more than ninety pounds and cannot walk alone for more than a step or two.  She can no longer care for most of her bodily needs because she has only partial use of one hand.

Susan met Jack at the office where they worked together. Believe it or not, that meeting took place more than fifty years ago and they are still seeing each other daily.  She lost her husband thirty-five years ago. Jack is still married and living with his wife. They have four children and seven grandchildren. Susan has three daughters. Presently she has eight grand children and several great grand children. I know you are wondering if their spouses knew of the relationship.

When they were younger there was a lot of hurt feelings, angry words, threats, and highly emotional encounters between the families. Jack’s wife and children know and hate Susan.  Jack is a “good” man.  He is a man who seems to be honest and caring about the needs of others because he is very kind and willing to go out of his way to help other people.

Susan grew up in church.  Her mother was a truly godly woman, admired by many. I don’t think she knew of the affair, however, if she did she denied it.  She never said a word to anyone about her daughter’s behavior, though Susan and her mother lived together for several years when Susan was in her sixties. Jack came over to the house every day after Susan retired from her office job. Most of  the family knew about the affair because a lot of time had passed by then.  They wondered what Susan’s mother thought about seeing Jack so often.

It has been many years ago since I first met Susan. She came to me for help when she was going through a really bad depression after her Mother’s death. We talked about her relationship with Jack on many occasions.  She has experienced a great deal of very difficult emotions. She told me how she once was very close to God as a young girl.  She related how God called her into some kind of ministry as a child.  Looking back she admits that since Jack came into her life she was not that close to God anymore and never did pursue the call.  Actually, considering the amount of time the affair lasted she was not close to God for most of her adult life and stayed away from church and failed to develop Christian friends for almost thirty years.  She told me that she had no idea that her life would finish like this.  Susan was so sure that she and Jack would marry one day.  That hope has lasted all these years; day after day, week after week, month after month: The time slipped away. 

When she looks back on her life she remembers all the lonely nights she spent after the children were gone and after she became a widow.  She also remembers all the birthdays, Thanksgiving holidays, and special Christmas celebrations where she had to go alone or stay home alone knowing that Jack was with his wife.  She also remembers the time when she didn’t hear from Jack for days.  Then a friend called to tell her that he had been in a serious automobile accident.  Susan was not allowed to visit him in the hospital or during the three months while he was recovering at home. 

She spent most her adult life feeling guilty, ashamed and depressed.  She felt trapped: because the only time she felt happy was during the stolen few hours or minutes when she and Jack were together. She became more and more confused as she got further away from the truth. She believed ideas that just were not true; like, “I just can’t help myself” and “it’s not hurting anybody but me. We were meant to be together.”  She once told me “well, you know you can’t help who you love.” All this sounds like the common message of being a victim or a slave to love. That is a message that is broadcast through the media daily. It is just not the truth. To make a commitment is to engage in a conscious and deliberate act. To make such a profound decision about the object of your affections is taking control of your emotions: Instead of allowing your emotions to control you. 

Both Susan and Jack were not aware that their behavior was very self-centered.  Somehow they convinced themselves that they were sacrificing themselves by keeping their relationship secret for the benefit of their families. Yet they were very aware that the affair constituted behavior that God abhorred, and behavior that would break her mother’s heart, if she knew.

The feeling she experienced when she was with Jack was much like an addiction.  Susan knew deep in her heart that this was not right and that it was not God’s will for her life, and that it was not good for her to continue this behavior. Yet, she did continue. She told me it was like a hard knot in her heart, a solid as a rock feeling that her life was not worth living without Jack in it.   I saw her again recently at the nursing home. She still affirms that for all these years she was so sure that they would marry one day thus making it all right.

During a recent visit, Susan told me that she does realize her days on this earth are very few now.  She didn’t talk too much about the affair at this visit except to admit that she is looking back over her life a lot now:  She has so much time to reflect and admits that she has repeatedly made some really bad decisions. These decisions have flavored her entire life.  I tried to help her see that where she stepped off base was when she made a choice to capture the love she needed her way instead of submitting that God-given need back to God, allowing Him to fill it His way.  Susan can declare with Frank Sinatra and Elvis that she “did it her way.”  

She now realizes that she missed the wonderful life God had planned for her. It is heartbreaking to see her so sad and lonely. There is very little joy  in her life now. It is so late now, there are not many changes she can make.  I think about it a lot.  I think about their mates, children and grand children from both families. I have talked with some of them at length.  In my mind there is no doubt that this affair has caused so much suffering, so much resentment and pain. Susan is lonely now because most of her family do not seem to care about her too much and none of them are close. Now is the time in her life when she really needs her family to be close.  From my conversations with Susan’s family members; I discovered a great deal of intense feelings.  Her children carry deep resentment because they always felt like their mother throughout their growing-up years constantly put Jack ahead of them. Even today they can’t seem to get over the strong negative feelings they have about her as a Mother.  There is very little respect due to years of hurt and shame. Because they knew more about the situation than Susan ever realized.  Susan feels that lack of respect today. It is only recently that she has begun to recognize that she has lost her positive influence with her children and her grandchildren.  They don’t ask her advice and she doesn’t give much.

I have seen how God can do such wondrous miracles in the lives of those who trust Him.  So I think about how it could have been for Susan and for Jack; if they had placed their need for love into  God’s care.  He would have sent Susan a godly husband to love and care for her during her younger days: They would have shared so much together and could have built a strong bond that would have been of great value to all her loved ones. If Susan had asked God to be in charge of mate selection,  He would have brought to her a man of such character that he could have earned the respect of all her family. He would have been a man who would have matched Susan  in every way.  Perhaps he would have encouraged her desire for ministry.  Maybe he could still be there for her during this present difficult time. Perhaps she would not have had a stroke or he could have gotten her immediate care and could have prevented paralysis. Most important of all, her place in the Kingdom would have been secure and her children would have risen up and called her most blessed mother. If only…! 

I know that Susan knew the truth even when she was very young.  I also know that she decided over and over again not to follow that truth.  I also know that there has been a lot of personal suffering for this family. All three of her daughters have had multiple failed marriages, and were left to raise children alone. The same is true for most of her grandchildren.  They seem to have missed the most valuable truth about faithfulness and commitment.   Susan didn’t teach it to them: She couldn’t.

 There have been many obvious negative repercussions because of Susan’s lack of repentance. Her family or community never stoned her. However, she lived with a secret part of her life for many years and did not spend much time or energy discovering nor developing her potential.  I often wonder if the reason she has lived until old age and has survived so many serious illnesses is because God is giving her so many opportunities to repent.  Repentance means to change one’s mind and heart, to turn it all around and reverse direction. It also means to recognize that we are wrong and to choose to accept forgiveness for our rebellion, then begin to do it God’s way. It is crucial for you to realize that God’s way is the best way for us. Susan’s Lord grieves over the painful path she has chosen to live. He still yearns to forgive and for her return to faithfulness. 

  To this day Susan and Jack have not made that decision.  Even in the last conversation I had with Susan I realized that she has no plans to do that.  She still sees Jack everyday, though it is only for a few minutes.  He has had some severe health problems and has lost two of his children to death. So he comes to see Susan each day for about thirty minutes and then goes home to his wife as he always has for over fifty years.

back to top

First Act
Sharon P. Hill

Early in the record of the actions of mankind is an account of man’s defiance of God’s simple directive; “Love me and obey me and it will go well for you and for all your generations after you.”

That command was broken even before Man and His Creator got started developing and building a relationship.  There it was! It happened right off the bat! I mean the relationship hadn’t even gotten off the ground before man messed it up. Our first parents, Adam and Eve broke covenant and thus put a lengthy and strenuous sentence on all of us who were to come afterwards. The first direct act of man toward God was to disobey His one reasonable and just command. Which was to remain pure, innocent and even unaware of evil.  I don’t think that Eve plotted and planned to sin, she didn’t say:  "Oh goody, Adam is not here and God is not looking so I think it would be fun to find out what’s the big deal about that tree.  When the evil one saw her, there must have been something about her demeanor that made him think she would be an easy mark. So he approached her and directed suggestive statements to her, deliberately planting doubts in her mind about the veracity of God’s motives. He may have suggested:  “God sure seems to think a lot of that tree. So much in fact that He placed it right in the center of the garden where you have to walk around it everyday. He may have suggested, “If God had not wanted you to eat that fruit from that tree, then why did He put it right in front of you?”  What is it about that tree: Is He hiding something?” Then, “Why don’t you come a little closer. Go investigate while nobody is looking, It won’t hurt a thing because nobody will ever know. It might be good for you. You need to know about the world, you need to learn to be street-wise.  It will be good for you to experience all that you can. It will make you smarter. Anyway, its just another tree and you’re just having fun; it won’t hurt anybody." 

Eve’s mate Adam is just as culpable. When he discovered Eve under the tree eating, he may have been so shocked at what he saw that he forgot his prescribed role as spiritual leader. He did not lead her into repentance and compliance with God’s directive. Rather he behaved as though to say.  " You did it and it seems ok, I might as well." Instead of taking the leading role he slipped into the role of a follower and did not correct it even when God asked him what he was up to: He deferred blame to God and to his wife, saying “It’s not my fault it’s that woman you gave me.” Adam’s first act was also disobedience to God’s single directive. He added to that the sin of denying responsibility for his own behavior.

 I’m thinking of statements made to me by more that one of my clients who were cheating in their marriages.  "I thought she would never find out and we could just go on as we had before."  "If he doesn’t know, it won’t matter."   "This just has to do with me." "If he can screw around, I can too." The most common one of all: “We never should have gotten married.”  Or, We don’t have anything in common.” And, so it goes.   

Whether in a marriage or any other situation, when people want to divert blame, that is to take the heat off themselves, they can easily pervert the truth.  But God never does.  He established rational and reasonable boundaries and perimeters.  Those perimeters are firm because they are right. I am convinced that the worse mistakes we make are to convince ourselves that God didn’t really mean what He said; and that another way, perhaps our way is just as good as His way.  If we are to reach our fullest potential we have to learn this vital truth. Don’t miss this:  God’s way and His plans for us are always better than any we can devise.  Most important, we have to realize that He does mean what He says. The most foolish thing we can do is to remove ourselves from the protective covering He has placed over us. We enact painful consequences when we go it on our own. He knew those consequences would be painful for us, that is why He directed us the way He did. Our responsibility is to find out what His will is and go for it, commit to it  Trust God..  We have to resist trying to weaken those boundaries.  

I often wonder as I’m counseling so many couples who are struggling with their commitments if they were truly aware of the vows that they repeated in the presence of a Holy God, honorable family members and loyal friends. They vowed to be faithful to the mate of their choice through good times and bad until death. It seems so easy when in the face of temptation to convince ourselves that a little dab won't hurt anything. I have heard it so often: “ it’s not really cheating if I don’t sleep with him.”   “ I can’t help it.”  “ It’s not my fault.”  “He/she made me do it or they don’t care what I do.”

There is no doubt that this is a character issue.  Character is defined as what we do when no one is looking.  Also character means standing up for the principles we believe in.  The Bible speaks often of the rewards of the righteous.  A righteous person is one who has made a conscious decision to live right and do right, even if it becomes costly or there is not a clear understanding of why.  I have also noticed that character correlates with wisdom.  A person who makes wise decisions experiences built-in rewards. The wise acting person avoids many painful and costly dilemmas.  Imagine all the rotten situations all of us could have avoided if Adam and Eve had not made that one crucial decision. Don’t we wish so much that they had continued to avoid that tree!

The first act for all of us was disobedience and it can only be remedied by making positive choices. We will make those positive choices only when we put forth effort to know God and deliberately pursue a relationship with Him. Then we can reverse our destructive direction and embrace joy. We can have resident joy that never leaves even in the midst of a violent storm. We can then grow and gain strength as we realize the great wisdom of God’s protective directive to us and make a commitment to obedience.  We can decide to be thankful for those perimeters. They set us free in that we don’t have to worry about covering our back. Instead we can spend our time and energy in growing stronger daily and developing all that under developed potential. Example: When we stop at a red light we can avoid an accident or when we chose to drive the speed limit we can relax and enjoy the trip!

 back to top

Date Nite?
Yes! you and your spouse need one!
Dr Sharon Patterson. Hill

 Date Nite must be the most special night of the week for you and your mate.  This is the hour for you to give and receive the love and attention necessary for a healthy and mutually rewarding relationship. This is the time to focus on your mate exclusively.  When you go through your week thinking, “Date Nite is coming” you are able to experience less pressure and guilty feelings, because you may be thinking that you are being neglectful of your mate’s needs.  Also you might feel less neglected when you remember that your special time is getting closer.

 It just makes your week go better when you know “Date Nite is coming.

May I make a few suggestions that will further enhance this special hour?  First choose one night a week that is set aside for your special time.  It is crucial that you be committed to this time and not allow anything to interfere. Your committed attitude sends a powerful message to your mate that the relationship is important to you, and causes your mate to feel valuable too.  Next, take turns being responsible for all the plans and the conversation.  Consider keeping keep your plans secret to surprise you mate.  Relax, you do not have to spend a lot of money.  It seems that the more simple and inexpensive dates where you have a lot of time to talk to each other are the times when the strongest bonds are fortified. Your mate feels most valued when you really try to make your time together special.

Mark this down to remember: it is that important.  The quality of your communication determines the strength of your bond.  Try to set some limits, be positive, and encouraging.  Remember that the purpose of Date Nite is to create an atmosphere where love will grow stronger. This means to practice complimenting each other and taking time to point out what you like best about each other.  Tell each other what makes you happy.  There are still a great many things about your mate that you don’t know; commit to never stop discovering those things.  Determine to learn something new each Date Nite.  Use the list that follows and keep adding to it.

The Depression Test
Sharon Patterson Hill

Write down the letters which most matches how you feel to determine your level of depression.

a-  I feel so down I can’t even cry.
b-  I cry most of the time.
c-  I cry easily, more than usual.
d-  I don’t feel like crying.
 
a-  I have made a plan to end my life.
b-  I think everyone would be better off if I had the
     nerve to end my life.
c-  I have thought about suicide but have no
    plans.
d-  I never think about suicide.

a-  Everything that goes wrong in my life is my
    fault.
b-  I am down on myself most of the time,
    thinking     I’m stupid or bad.
c-  I am very critical of myself; sometime it really
    gets me-- the dumb things I do.
d-  I think I am just as good as everyone else.

a-  I dislike myself so much that I wish I could
    change all of me.
b-  I feel really angry with myself most of the
    time because I can’t seem to do what I know I
    should do.
c-  I am mildly disappointed with myself
    sometime.  But  eventually I get over it.
d-  I feel very proud of myself sometime. I can do
    about as good as anyone else.

a-  Everyone is out to get me.
b-  I am always expecting people to reject me or
    punish me.
c-  Sometime I feel guarded because people want
     to get back at me for things I may not
     deserve.
d- I feel good about the way people respond to
   me most of the time.

a-  I feel so bad, like I’ve done something wrong
    or bad most of the time.
b-  I feel guilty a lot, even when I haven’t done 
    anything bad.
c-  I feel like I’ve done something wrong or bad 
    only occasionally.
d-  I don’t think I have any more trouble with guilt
    than anyone else does.

a-  Life is dark and hopeless all the time. I am
    bored with life and  nothing ever works out
    good for me.
b-  I am not interested in anything, can’t
    concentrate for long and nothing satisfies.
c-  I am not interested in the things I used to like
    a lot.
d-  I enjoy life and the things I do at the same
    level as is usual.

a-  I think I have messed up everything I have ever
     touched and I can’t do anything right.
b-  I am prone to mess up too often: so there is
    really no reason for me to put forth much
    effort, it’s not worth it.
c-  I mess up a little more than most people do.
d-  I think I do as well as anyone else does.

a-  When I look ahead in my life it makes me sick
     because I don’t see anything but trouble.
b-  I don’t think there is any good in my future. 
c-  I don’t see a lot of good stuff in my future.
d-  I think there is something good ahead in my
    future.

a-  I feel so very sad that living each day is very difficult. 
b-   I feel so down most of the time and don’t have any      control over it.
c-   I feel down and more than most people do.
d-   I feel sad very seldom.
  
a-  I used to get irritated a lot, now I just don’t seem to care enough to get irritated.
b-  I feel irritated with everyone and everything.
c-  I find I am feeling more short tempered with people and situations than I used to.
d-  I am usually patient in most situations.

a-  I am not interested in anything any one does. 
b-  I am not very interested in people right now.
c-  I don’t care about people like I used to care.
d-  I care about people as much as I always have.

a-  I feel so very sad that living each day is very difficult. 
b-   I feel so down most of the time and don’t have any control over it.
c-   I feel down and more than most people do.
d-   I feel sad very seldom.
  
a-  I used to get irritated a lot, now I just don’t seem to care enough to get irritated.
b-  I feel irritated with everyone and everything.
c-  I find I am feeling more short tempered with people and situations than I used to.
d-  I am usually patient in most situations.

a-  I am not interested in anything any one does. 
b-  I am not very interested in people right now.
c-  I don’t care about people like I used to care.
d-  I care about people as much as I always have.

a-  I can’t seem to think things through enough to make decisions on anything. 
b-  I can’t make decisions as well as I used to. It takes too  long.
c-  I make decisions more slowly than usual.
d-  I can handle decisions as well as I used to.

a-  I am frozen and can’t even think well enough to do my  job.
b-  I feel so bad I can hardly do my job anymore.
c-  I have a hard time getting started on my job every day.
d-  I am handling my job just as well as normal.

a-  I believe that I look so bad that nobody wants to be around me and I can’t do any better.
b-  I think I look worse than I used to.
c-  It worries me to look in the mirror more than it used to.
d-  I think I look as good as I always have.

a-  I wake up earlier than I used to and can’t get back to sleep.
b-  I am waking up earlier than I want to and have a hard  time getting back to sleep.
c-  I don’t sleep as well as usual.
d-  My sleep patterns as normal.

a-  I am too tired to function lately.
b-  I get tired so quickly lately that I can hardly function.
c-  I find that I tire sooner than usual.
d-  I function as well as always.

a-  I feel so bad I can’t swallow a bite of food.
b-  My appetite is getting less and less every day.
c-  I am not as interested in food as I used to be.
d-  My appetite is normal.

a-  I am so afraid that I will get a deadly disease  that I think about it all the time.
b-  I am so very concerned about getting sick that it interferes with my peace.
c-  It sure is hard trying to function due to more aches and  pains. 
d-  I feel ok about my physical condition.

a-  I don’t have any sexual desire anymore.
b-  I have a very difficult time getting interested in sex.
c-  I am not too interested in sexual intimacy anymore.
d-  I am just as interested in sex as Usual.

The following scale for gaining insight into your depression level.

If your score is 0 to 12- Rejoice you are operating at a normal level.

 If your score is between 13 to 19,  you may still be in a normal range:  however your present state of depression is very mild.  There may be something bothering you that may be  temporary, and therefore, very manageable.  Talking to someone may help you lower your level.  

 If your score is between 19 and 26 you are experiencing moderate depression.  This may mean that you chemical system is not functioning at a normal level or that there is something happening in you life that has been bothering you for a long time and you are having a struggle with it.  I recommend that you visit a Christian counselor and work on these issues

If your score is above 26 You are experiencing severe depression.  Normal functioning is almost impossible for you.  I strongly recommend that you visit a Christian counselor very soon. Perhaps you will need chemical assistance for a while.

back to top

When It’s Not Repentance
Sharon Patterson Hill

 “Jerry works for the telephone company so he gets around town pretty good. He doesn’t call when he’s going to work over.  I never know where he is or what he’s doing.  He promised he’d change and be home with us more. He even admits that he doesn’t try to take part in the family like he should.” 

Terry received a very disturbing phone call three months before this time.  The voice on the other end of the line told her that she would be very wise to go immediately to a certain address, that what she found there would be very interesting to her.  When she arrived at the address given, she saw Jerry’s telephone truck in the driveway of her girl friend’s house.   Terry knew that the woman’s husband was away from home.  When she rang the doorbell, there was no response, though it was obvious that Jerry and the woman were inside the house.  So she continued to ring the bell and knock on the door. Since she got no response she called out to her “friend” and to Jerry.  I imagine she became so loud and persistent that they finally responded.  They knew they were caught.   What followed was a very ugly scene: emotions were raging, accusations were flying, tears flowed, and the threats were frightening.  Jerry and Terry sat in my office where Jerry promised that he would do everything to restore his home and family.  Now for three months Terry’s emotions are still out of control.  She has not seen much consistent evidence that Jerry really is committed to their marriage.  He still doesn’t seem to exhibit much sensitivity for her pain and exerts little effort toward rebuilding trust.  Terry says that though she wants to believe he cares about the family and is sincere about wanting to make amends, it just doesn’t feel right, he says he will try, then he doesn’t do anything.  “I don’t know what to do. I want to get on with our marriage. If Jerry has no intention of restoring our family, he needs to tell me the truth.  I need to know.  I want to believe him, but it just does not feel right.  I know there must be something going on.  I feel it.”

“DR. Hill, Benny keeps asking me about some of the guys he used to hang out with. You know, he calls them by name and wants to know if I have heard anything about them, or if any of them have called the house. What do you think of that?” Benny is serving time in the county jail for possession and selling of drugs.  He promised Carmen that he was going clean when he gets out.  He tells her again and again that it was not his fault. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.  Then he promises he will go to church with her and together they will made a Christian home for their three little children.   Benny still has six months to go on his sentence.  You can see why Carmen is confused.  She receives his promises and then moments later he seems to be very concerned about the old gang.  Believe me, Carmen is concerned about these mixed messages. She is very afraid that Benny will make contact with the guys as soon as he gets out of jail.  She knows that if he does contact them he will break probation and will be sent back to jail.  At this point she has to remind herself daily that the welfare of the children must be paramount in her mind though she feels a lot of love for her husband.

These are just two examples of situations where repentance does not seem sincere.  It is a big problem for a friend or family member who is trying to forgive and restore a relationship.  God made a promise that He never breaks: He promised that forgiveness is a sure thing when repentance is sincere.  He advised that there is no remittance of sin when there is no repentance.   It naturally follows that if the sins are not remitted they remain.

 God hates that situation because He is forced to deal brutally with one He loves.  The price required is enormous.  It is a powerful fact of the gospel; that un-remitted sin has to be accounted for.

When the repentance is real there is a sincere brokenness of the person’s will.  Unfortunately, pure repentance is very rare.  One of the most difficult issues to deal with is to endure the struggle while you grasp an understanding of the value system of the offender.  Try to understand that their most driving value is usually self; self-promotion and self- preservation. That value has to die and then change for repentance to be pure. The offender must reach a point where they learn that, all efforts to promote and preserve themselves are never as good as what God has already provided. They also have to realize that God is smarter than they are, and He is always right. They must realize that He has a very good plan for their life.  He does not force them to obey Him, and  He will not take over the control of their lives: they have to choose to give Him control.

They must allow God to give them a vision which will lead to an understanding of the magnitude of His kingdom; and be humbled that God would allow him or her to take even a small part in such an overwhelming, magnificent, powerful, and eternal building project. They must have experienced an awakening; where they realize how small and insignificant they are as one person in relat